ALIEN

At Christmas, no can hear you scream as the mother of all stomach cramps attacks John Hurt after his party of salvagers land on a bug-infested planet. After peering inside a giant Easter egg, Hurt returns with an unknown organism attached to his face and at the subsequent dinner when Hurt is “all better” we get to enjoy the nasty surprise that has the alien burst through his chest. And I thought my cooking was bad! If you believe the rumours then the cast did not know that this was about to happen (although if you watch the edit, I can’t see how they didn’t) and the table quickly disbands to catch the creature. The sci-fi equivalent of massive indigestion and lord knows who had to clear away the plates after that!

INGLORIOUS B*STERDS

Why not spice up the table fun with a game as British army general Fassbender and his group of B*sterds descend upon a German basement tavern and try out the “name game” whilst they are undercover amongst a whole host of Nazis. When Fassbender’s manners slip, he gets caught out by the SS Officer before reverting back to his English accent knowing this stand-off will not end too pretty. The equivalent of asking for more Oliver Twist-style which is an Xmas no-no, Fassbender downs his drink, smokes his cigarette and pokes his gun into the officer’s privates! For shame!

INDIANA JONES & TEMPLE OF DOOM

If a guest at another person’s dinner, you’ll be obliged to try a few new delicacies and try to avoid being labelled as a “fussy eater”. Or maybe just sidestep being plain rude. However, Indiana Jones has no qualms when his Indian host serves a delightful menu of snakes, bugs, eyeball soup and the infamous money brains. You may not like your Auntie’s Yorkshire puddings but count yourself luckier than Jones’ female companion, Willy, who can’t wait to get her hands on Indiana’s apples!

BORAT

The venue is a posh suburban home. The location is deep in small-town America. Sacha Baron Cohen’s clueless Kazakhstan creation Borat has just entered a formal dinner prepared by his respectful (but slightly naïve) hosts. How will he possibly ruin this serene setting? Misplaced cutlery? A ill-judged comment? Or, just maybe, following a bathroom trip, returning with a plastic bag containing faeces? Naughty naughty!

HANNIBAL

The fatherly fight over who gets to be most manly by carving the turkey is most often won by the oldest male at the table with your own father no doubt being criticised by his father in a display of paternal condemnation. However, the “daddy” of them all is certainly Doctor Hannibal Lector who decides to ask Clarice Starling to join him for dinner where the main course is her FBI-nemesis Paul Krendler! After pre-slicing his skull off, pulling back the membrane, Lector keeps Krendler (played brilliantly by Ray Liotta) conscious but drugged throughout as he cooks slices of his brain and feeds them back to Krendler. Tasty tasty, very very tasty. He’s very tasty.

RESERVOIR DOGS

Only a problem if you go out to dine, the end of any UK Christmas dinner can lead to a large group haggling over what tip should be left – a problem not shared by our American cousins who can easily tip a buck for their coffees. Or so you would think unless you are with Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) whose oratory skills on the perils of job-choosing within the American workforce even convinces undercover Tim Roth to reach for his dollar back. However, group leader Joe tells them all to “Cough up a buck!” which merely postpones the inevitable face-off later over the stolen diamonds. Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Sometimes you just cannot be bothered with the rigmarole of the family Christmas dinner and feel compelled to stay against your best intentions. However, in this film, this is literally true as our protagonist is tied to a chair in an ugly scene as we are introduced to Leatherface’s “family” of freaks. Tormented, bound and gagged, it’s like all your Christmas dinner table nightmares in one! Lets ask Grandpa if he wants to join us, shall we?

THE UNTOUCHABLES

Swing batta batta batta swing! So, you’ve put your foot in it on the lead up to the dinner yourself - maybe you’ve forgotten to send a card, maybe you mis-wrapped a present and you go throughout the whole dinner hoping no one brings up the elephant in the room but sadly (and inevitably) someone just has to mention it. Well, in Brian De Palma’s gangster tour de force, De Niro (as Chicago mobster Al Capone) wants to show up one of his gang of mobsters who has made a big mistake. As he saunters around the table explaining his plans to his cohorts, the very unlucky attendee is blissfully unaware as De Niro pulls out a baseball bat and bloodily batters the man’s brain in! Don’t get it wrong again we think. But of course he won’t.

He’s dead.

A DANGEROUS METHOD

In Cronenberg’s tale of psychoanalysis, Freud and Jung wax lyrical on everything from the female psyche, to parental upbringing and social-economic factors in the development of the “self”. As Jung (Fassbender - appearing for the second time on this list) sits with an attentive Freud (Viggo Mortenssen), we see him describing the darkest recesses of the sexualised brain before further obscene erotic descriptions pour from his mouth. The kinky conversation continues before Cronenberg cuts to the protagonists’ viewpoint and the audience realise that the two Doctors are not alone in this room, but are in fact at a family dinner, complete with children and all! As your granny unavoidably will partake, there’s talk that is suitable around the table and some that is not.

TAKEN

A personal favourite dinner table scene of mine as Liam Neeson tries to track down his kidnapped daughter only to be told by his old French police friend that he’s causing too much of a stir on the streets of Paris. Well, how do you handle that sensibly in a family home where the Frenchman’s wife has welcomed you into her evening meal? Neeson’s sensible answer is to shoot her. That’s right. Forget etiquette and table manners, shoot the host and steal the bullet’s from her husband’s gun right there during the first course. Bon appetite!

THE WEDDING CRASHERS

Awkward moments meeting the future in-laws for the first time or turning up unexpectedly at an otherwise reserved and well planned dinner event can certainly occur over the festive period if you’re not careful. If you’ve got the merry horn to pull a Christmas cracker too you best be planned for all eventualities like Vince Vaughan in Wedding Crashers who gets a “foot job” from Isla Fisher’s crazy banshee whilst Owen Wilson is not left out as he tries to snatch Christopher Walken’s other daughter from the clutches of the smug Bradley Cooper. Maybe most cannot relate to that particular eclectic scenario but the table has a crazy Grandma to liven up proceedings, which is a Christmas tradition in many a UK household!

AMERICAN BEAUTY

Upset at his boring and predictable suburban life that is going nowhere, Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) does what we’d all like to do when it gets a bit too much at dinner time and throws his food-filled plate against a wall in a fit of childish but emancipating rage. His asparagus meal flies all over the wall (“there’s so much beauty in this world…” ha ha) as his family sit back genuinely shocked. Nice one Kevin, just leave it there though and don’t go all “John Doe” in Seven on them.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Michael Sales